I find working with glass meditative, almost therapeutic. I can leave the world behind, and focus... The simplicity of form, the drama of rich, intense colour, the joy of challenge, and the challenge of endurance... The piece, when it is over, is not what is made, but how it is made. - andrew kuntz

Art for art's sake, with no purpose, for any purpose perverts art. But art achieves a purpose which is not its own. [1804] - benjamin constant

Art is a kind of innate drive that seizes a human being and makes him its instrument. To perform this difficult office it is sometimes necessary for him to sacrifice happiness and everything that makes life worth living for the ordinary human being. - carl jung

i feel as though i'm in the midst of deus ex machina.
<<i'd like to be your casual boyfriend some day.>> i'd like that. you're at the top of my list of casual close encounters:)
3 things:
1) he proposed to veronica. really? REALLY?! wtf. that's so... demoralizing? heartbreaking? i feel as though someone has condemned me to a life of destitution and depravity. how could you DO this to all of us?! how could you do us girls like that? YA BASTA. VIE, BETTY, VIE!
2) rupert the bear is one of my all-time favourite shows. timeland episode is where it's at.
3) i have never regarded worms as lowly creatures. i was a worm in a past life, i'm sure. my heart has gone out to them since i was little. poor little bastards: at 4 i tried to rescue them from a particularly hard rain by stuffing all of them in a toothfloss box while on a walk with my mum. she didn't have the heart to explain to me that i was killing them as surely as the rain would have... she's a kind lady.

i love you, boy. i really do. i'm just not in the business of waiting. life's too short for that kind of catholicism/morality. morality that hurts your soul is immorality.

What We Had, Handsome Furs...

It's cold
a plain diamond
nobody's here, just empty space
It's all moving, breathing
stuck to the ceiling, don't mean a thing

and what we had don't mean a thing
and what we had is already gone

it's all
a plain diamond
nobody's here, just empty space

they're all our eyes are saucered to see
as if hands might float right down from above
and change this place
nobody here, don't mean a thing

and what we had don't mean a thing
and what we had is already gone

I sit outside with the rain now
and time rolls slow
I sit outside with the rain
and time rolls slow
but they may never shut off
but they may never shut off

BILLY THE KITT! http://rathergood.com/billy
AWW YEAH.

what happened to the 'fear me' kitten t shirt? that was classic. i wish someone would make me a t shirt that says 'sundance'. lower case, red lettering on a white t shirt. with two six shooters, crossed, in the back:)

wow. what an intensely crazy day.

<<HOWEVER, you're the one with the bum ticker and body, not me. so i'll take it cause i can. you take your time, take your space, take whatever you need. i'll always be a friend to you, don't worry about that.>> how many times can i say this before i just can't wake up one day? one foot in front of the other. as long as the sun keeps rising so will i.

what good is it if you're the only one awake? it makes all the difference. this field, that field, no field, no see, no talk, no hear. whatever you want, men. i don't give a fuck. 'and what we had, don't mean a thing.' if that's true it's because it's in the past. as of now. and now. and now, etc. the velvet underground had it right with 'all tomorrow's parties'... what SHALL i wear? my bikini forever? i'll just do a tonne of laundry tomorrow.

to be continued.

took me 3 1/2 hours to write this. it will fall on deaf ears for the most part. unless i paste it up here. like so many unwanted pregnancies... :)

alternately titled:

your mask if failing anyway, falling away. stop listen&feel. believe.

 

for eric, evan and curtis because i will most certainly know your daughters. specifically, eric, because i need your unearthly wisdom again. and again and again and again, into infinity and beyond... & to reassure you in some, small way, that what i did was for the best. he's wrong about a lot, but he's also right about a lot. you know this, so don't be sad, darling. for suave, just in case he still wants to sell me in morocco, once i go back to blonde, so he can buy a car&put a down payment on a house:). some much-needed context for connor&dave&phil. 'oh DAVEY...' for darren, you can have my dad if you want. kidding. because i would like to live with you in large part because of this. this is NOT a sell job, i just feel like i should account for my... enthusiasm as being a potential darren-roomie. (what if i get a mohawk? as an expression of my determination? maybe i'll get one anyway, it would be funny when we go to term together:)) for graham. because... just because. for now. please show this to your mother. i miss her. and though she doesn't want me around, i need her now more than ever. and for just another brother because 'The Way of All Ideology' resonates with me.

 

<<you wasted life, why wouldn't you waste death, you missed, you missed, where the ocean meets the sky, the ocean breathes salty, won't you carry me in, in my head, in my heart, in my soul, i'll tell you what i want and i'll tell you what you get: you get AWAY FROM ME...>>

 

IN THE MEANTIME, SUAVE, CONNOR, LET'S LIGHT IT UP TONIGHT, SHALL WE? let's show 'em how its done:) i've started already, smoking and drinking mojitos. HA. numb me, vices, i still feel something...

 

phil, what i remember of YOU: you telling me in cegep that you rememberd me from JUNIOUR HIGH as being really good at sports. which was... weird cause a) i didn't remember you and b) i was SURE you were thinking of katie gunn. i was. i am. i like lacrosse and martial arts, especially:) a good call made by a most unlikely healer. but more importantly, i remember you as a giant armenian teddy bear who loved caitlin:) and you still are. isn't that wonderful? and i lied, i don't regret calling you out on loving that girl. cause it pushed you to do the right thing. and from where i'm sitting, it turned out for the better:) [so many smiles for such a 'sad' girl...]

 

but especially for my brohiem. kid, i would like you to help me show him that his words fall on deaf ears when he does not practice what he preaches. but if you aren't up to it, i understand, i can handle it myself. i think i can anyway...

 

and boys, i swear, if any of you tell me you want your time back for this one, it will be a long time before i have the courage to speak with you again. just don't read it and say nothing. i'll get it. i'm a smart cookie. and a tough one, too.

 

i have been receiving these letters, always typed and left on the dining room table, since i was eleven. my teachers used to find it funny that he couldn't TALK to me. he could only WRITE to me. i should have showed this to that god awful soc proff i had at carleton. she would have had a field day... there's comfort in black on white, i suppose... it is infinitely easier to feel authoritative when there is no dialogic relationship with your daugher. for some fucked up reason...

 

just a few helpful hints from a preacher-man. and now i am a girl surrounded by them. how's that for interesting, dad?

 

June 6, 2009

Jessie

 

My ego has been hurt by your callousness (once again)... and I’m now unaware that this could affect my reasoning. But it’s unlikely, as I’m aware of it.... and I’ve accepted in my short life that my own ego has its share of shortcomings. I am aware of ‘needy-me’. [I object! Does acknowledging your hunger make it possible for you to go without food? NO.]

But as dispassionately as I can, I believe the following to be truthful... and probably untainted by my own sad or offended little ego.

We are whatever we choose to become from our moment to moment.

The choices we make are born from the thinking we tend to nurture.

I believe we do exist apart from anything.... no identity, no characteristics good or bad.... then the thoughts we choose to allow to exist.... then the behaviours we nurture.

This is a universal truth. We choose to be who we are moment by moment.

From these behaviours we (and others), fashion an image of who we ‘seem’ to be.

Sometimes we seems noble or courageous, sometimes shallow, selfish and contemptuous.

But it is NOT who we are, and only how we have chosen to behave in a given moment.

We can always TRANSCEND our past behaviours by making different choices.

 

There is great Hope and joy in that realization. We can become loving when we choose. [Penis-bearers most certainly can. Women receive. Rapists and murderers alike. You can TAKE THAT TO THE BANK. Try talking yourself out of that poetic justice, asshole...]

But it is my belief that your thoughts & choices tend to depict you as a Being who is:

1. Someone who appears anger-filled & bordering on rage. This negativity simmers just under the surface and spontaneously erupts on bystanders. Impatience rules.

2. Someone callous to the emotional impact of her words and actions on others.

3. Someone whose emotional spectrum wavers between resentment and contempt.

4. Someone who is emotionally manipulative. Charm is turned on when needed. [Now who's focusing on the negative, huh, dad? Jeez.]

Manifesting behaviour from this approach to Being, does not develop relationship building skills. And it will drive people away from you, Jessie. [Ain't that the tooth, DAD. She left you for a REASON.] The choices made from this emotional negativity make you appear to be a human being who will be arbitrarily selfish and hurtful to others.

But it is also my observation that you are gifted in so many ways that it is sad to see you make such negative choices.

You are incredibly intelligent, perceptive and articulate, yet you seem to employ these virtues as weapons. [Against your tyrannical reign, you navel-gazing, fool. When I was too little to fight you with my fists, I fought you with my words. And I learnt words were better than fists. How was your assholery in vain, then?] And you dull your heightened perceptivity with drugs and beer and relish in sarcasm. [It is... my way. I don't want to feel, or think. I think therefore I am. Bullshit. I AM regardless. ''Until that dark thumb presses me into the dirt and says, 'you are nothing,' I will be a writer''. Which, I may add is a DIRECT consequence of your secular, cutting sermons. At least authoring something for a MASS audience affords people the OPTION to listen or not. Side note: i realize that writing a true/terrible email to a few guys doesn't exactly constitute a 'mass audience' but fuck, i'm human and hurting... But more importantly, if you had seen and felt precisely what this ego has - however illusory it may SEEM to you, this ego has been hunted by men like you my WHOLE FUCKING LIFE and THAT is why I choose to look like a sack of shit. That and because you have made me feel ashamed of my body for as long as i can remember... <<we hate this place here, it's our home, oh life is long, and hollow, hoping the heart, is just a machine...>> - If you had seen and felt precisely what this bullshit ego has you'd understand, old man.]

You are pretty as a new born peach, yet you choose to look unkempt and dishevelled. [Yeah. I don't like being STARED AT. It's rude. Ask meagan acosta: cut your hair short, never be blonde, never show your skin and you are instantaneously safer. safer as a savvy woman than a trusting girl, anyway...]

People are drawn to you, but you hurt them and drive them away. [Cause... they're usually... fucked up people like myself? You keep everyone who loves you at a comfortable distance too. And then when they get too close, you do the same. How am I doing worse? At least I don't... ugh. Curtis, you know.]

You have countless positive qualities, yet turn from them and choose to dwell in negativity.

I would council you [When did I ask for your two cents?!] to develop more empathy and practice kindness and gentleness in your dealings with others.

Begin by becoming more gentle, loving and accepting of your Self and your own behaviours... even any shortcomings. It all starts with the Self... and total acceptance.

Then you'll learn to extend these same positive life enhancing qualities to others. That will enrich your relations with others and fill your personal life with love.

Do otherwise and you are in for a sad and lonely life... something you`ve predicted for me I believe? Interesting. [When I was 14. When are you going to let that go?]

Behind your apparent jest that I am, or will soon become ``a sad and lonely old man``... is actually a belief that i`d like to dispel for you once and for all.

I am adjusting to the end of a relationship with your mom after 28 years. That has been... difficult for me. That ended a life and a self that I`d extrapolated into a future that will never be.

You and Curtis simultaneously left home and that largely ended my role as a father. This has challenged me... no, destroyed my identity as husband and father... and highlighted the illusory nature of role identity for me. [Don't get ahead of yourself...]

But it is a grand learning experience as well, and I`m up for it.

I will transcend... or something will, even if it has no clearly defined `me`.

So it`ll take time to remake a life and fashion new dreams... or perhaps learn to go with the flow and accept my life and this dream as it comes. Learn to adapt to what is.

... and I am in the process of doing just that. In spite of the facts of harsh new economic times, some new sags and wrinkles, diminished mental faculties and newly discovered fears and insecurities. The dream continues. [All too often a nightmare. An all too LUCID nightmare.]

But in sailing out into this unchartered water, I looked back over my shoulder to discover a daughter who still needed my help... and so I turned back without hesitation. I love you. [In your own way. Not my way.]

So Harvey and you took up residence in my basement. Mi casa, su casa.

You are wounded, Jessie and I wanted to help. [Who isn't? It has been my experience that NO ONE wants someone ELSE to heal them. I'm no exception.] As i saw it, you needed time to chill and build your finances for school... Harvey needed a home... but in the short term you needed to be encouraged to take action. You are procrastinating, and it`s impacting on your life and dreams. You are stalled in self pity. [I get up every day and write ALL day. I LIVE TO WRITE. How am I procrastinating?] I am your father and I can`t agree to that.

So my unwelcome intrusion into your life motivates you to seek alternate housing because you `love me, but can`t life with me`? That`s your choice Jessie.

But if you believe the reason I took you into my home was to have company, you delude yourself. I don`t mean to hurt you... I love you... but believe me.... your company was not my motivation.

You will be as much or as little a part of my future life as you choose.

I have little influence in that regard. [What do you make of that, Curtis? That hasn't been my experience and I'm pretty sure it hasn't been yours either.]

One of my last remaining duties as a parent is to make you not need me anymore... and to be self sustaining. If i love you, I must do everything in my power to have you leave me. It`s one of the paradoxes of being a parent. To love someone enough that you have them leave you. So I must ensure you are financially and emotionally independent of me. But I only wanted that when you were ready. Not before.

I think you need time and a stable environment to get your education and I would be there for you. I may sell this house and move on... but I thought sharing an accommodation here, you getting a job to kick in a little for your support here would be beneficial to you. But if you wish to love that`s ok with me.

I`m not offended by that... what is offensive and hurtful is other behaviour. I do not owe you or Curtis anything Jessie. I sincerely believe you are resentful of me for not having the assets to give you. [I am resentful. That you're hording all your LOVE while my mother dies of cancer alone with those assholes she calls 'friends'.] You show all the signs of someone who feels complete ingratitude. [Likewise, dickhead.]

If you think having you meant I would give up any life I might have you are wrong. I love you and Curtis and always will, but I don`t owe you my future. I would always do whatever I could to assist, support and encourage you both however. [And abuse me when I questioned you? Since when was that an acceptable part of the equation?]

Anyway, I hope our future relations are coloured more by the virtues of empathy, kindness, forgiveness and genuine love and less by anger, deeply felt resentments and contempt.

By the way.... your short story is excellent. [I know it is. Cause it's all the beauty this rotten peach has to share... And it's only 600 words long. HA.] I would find tune it and polish it and get some illustrations for it (not as a co-work however)... and submit it to a publisher. Seriously.

Your dad.

A work in progress... who loves you.

 

[I have defined myself in relation to my father's conception of me for as long as I can remember. And I desperately need to believe that there's more than this...

 

<<heaven bent to take my hand, lead me through the fire, the long awaited answer, to a long and painful fight, truth be told, i tried my best, but somewhere along the way, i got caught up in all there was to offer and it cost me so much more than i could bear, though i've tried, fallen, i have sunk so low, better i should know, so don't come around here, tell me, 'i told you so', in the lonely light of morning, and the wound that would not heal, it's the bitter taste of losing everything, that i held so dear...>> maybe daddy dearest doesn't like me, but it i am my anger and self pity as much as i am my creativity and perceptivity and nurturing. take me or leave me, motherfucker. (clever, girl:)]

<<
I will be the answer
At the end of the line
I will be there for you
While you take the time
In the burning of uncertainty
I will be your solid ground
I will hold the balance
If you can't look down

If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
‘Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
And when the stars have all gone out
You'll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind
Take me to a
A place so holy
That I can wash this from my mind
The memory of choosing not to fight
...
>>

watercolours are 'creativity spooge'.
'love is hard. unless you're a sociopath. then you just have to pretend to feel. which at least seems infinitely easier.'

before i die: an idealist's list.

... &when i do, eric, you're giving my eulogy. evan, YOU choose my epitaph. better make it funny. make the tombstone some kind of phallic symbol too...

-i will do at least one stand-up routine in front of an audience.
-i will act in a play again.
-i will sing 'at last' in front of an audience. and i WILL kill it. i practice in the shower when i'm safe from others' ears:) i have to be extra careful: in grade 7 my parents had a conversation behind my back about my voice and decided it would be 'worthwhile' to send me for lessons. i was so mortified i declined:) too bad, i used to be pretty good. not the best vocal range, but i've got soul. more soul than a sock with a hole...
i'll find my father's clarinet and take it up again.
-my will be damned, my mother will see me married before she dies.
(digression: better get crack-a-lackin on that one... PFF. fat chance of that. i'm never getting married. however, lately i've been feeling that maybe it wouldn't be so bad. to tell someone you love them and mean it. and really love them in sickness and in health forever. i think it's doable. i just have yet to see it done right... 'but don't change your hair for me, not if you care for me, stay, little valentine, stay...')
-i will track down and castrate that sociopath from mtl that tried to rape and murder me. i told him i would. why break a perfectly good promise? i look over my shoulder a lot these days...
-i will see as much of this earth as humanly possible before we blow it to smithereens/smog it to death.
-i will publish some piece of shit writing. preferably the sunflower&lotus.
-i will own an all-in-one bar/bookstore/whale-watching business/record shop/coffee shop/tatoo parlour/show venue, etc. lofty, i know.
-i will sleep with someone i don't love. (i've already 'just-snuggled'. which was... surprising. guess i can scratch that one off my list...)
-i will have at least one child. (please god, make me whole enough to have just one of my own.)
-i will become a lawyer/lobbyist/whatever and rescue women from evil men.
-i will heal someone's real pain.
-i'll heal my own. watch out, dad, that'll involve you. i may have to get my black belt before i tackle that one... depends how old he is by the time i get around to it...
-i'll write poetry for someone who will turn them into lyrics. again. only this time, it will be someone not crazy-yet-well-intentioned...
-i will have a puppy:)
-i'll feel at peace. that's the biggee.

<<when i fall in love/it will be forever/or i'll never fall in love/in a restless world/like this is/love is ended before its begun/and too many moonlight kisses/seem to cool in the warmth of the sun/when i give my heart/it will be completely/or i'll never give my heart/and the moment/i can feel that/you feel that way too/is when i fall in love with you...>>
...
TOO LATE FOR THAT ONE, EH?! HAR HAR HAR. fuck:(

they tell you to listen, not to speak. obviously i haven't learnt that one quite yet... <<you can try and try and try but baby, there's no way around.>> THIS is drop and roll... watch me recover from this one in ten seconds flat... annnnd i'm done. gorsh. i sit on the ground and turn out the miracle electric light and nobody got found out the stars are so high...

I've been looking in churches and looking in bars Thought that I saw you in the oncoming cars It was your reflection cast off by the light And into the sky of this dark city night And I thought that I saw you in the tallest of trees Swayed back and forth in the mid-autumn breeze When the leaves reddened and left too I knew then that it wasn't you Where in the world are you now? Where in the world are you now? Oh where in the world are you? Oh where in the world are you? Where in the world are you now? And I looked for you there in music and song 'Cause I thought I could find you there They were only notes pulled from the air Not the kind I could read or breathe if I dare Where in the world are you now? Where in the world are you now? Oh where in the world are you? Oh where in the world are you? Where in the world are you now?

the culprit. giver of life. aka sun-bitch.

i am as a satellite. rotating around these beautiful little planets. but i have to be so careful not to crash into them... those tender little planets, isolated in inky black. there's too much space out in space. i am forever doomed to just barely touch them... so close, yet so very far away... perpetually missing the target i am, i am. below is an email i never sent. and have decided i never will. i don't think it will be read by the one who shouldn't read it. i think it's safe in this little quadrant of cyberspace... someone should read it. i spent 2hrs fucking writing it...

____, READ THIS: you wasted life why wouldn't you waste death?(alternately titled: semantics.)
Between (the devil:)) and You

Scarlett Davies
Today at 7:42pm
i spent a long fucking time on this motherfucking email. so do me a solid and READ IT through please... first off, i WANT to leave you be, ___, but you need to read this. please.

& you don't need to worry. we were never on the same page so we don't even have to 'go your way and i'll go mine,' in a bob dylan-kinda way. not that i'm really sure about that... ___ has his opinions but who knows... HOWEVER, YOU ARE GOING TO READ THIS, TO SHOW ME SOME RESPECT. because i listen to you run your preacher mouth all the time. not that i don't enjoy it but i don't enjoy being treated like my PAIN is trivial. which you did do and yes, i'm surviving fine without your apology. this email isn't about me anyway, it's about YOU. this isn't about religion or values. IT'S ABOUT FEAR & LOVE & HONESTY (and loathing, unfortunately... we're just dumb animals, what do you want?)

these lyrics are (good) for you. i couldn't have said it better myself. i didn't get this song until i met you. not the first time. you just completely baffled me then. i couldn't have imagined you.

***but yesterday i got it. while picking flowers for you - yeah, the ones you callously gave to my fucking grandmaman - & walking in the field/with hands like satellites & watching your fucked up & failing hands cut up those veggies & sharing smokes & the dinner my father made me with you... IT kinda hit me. and by 'it' i mean the truth about EVERYTHING. i know you're in love with french women from coast to coast, exes and future lovers alike. i don't give a fuck about any of that bs. love whoever you want to love. do what is good for you.***

but please don't stop talking to my dad. PLEASE. you're good for him. maybe relationships don't mean much to you but they mean EVERYTHING to me. & my father is broken. & i can't help him cause he's sexist, doesn't know it, & i have a god damn vagina. he won't listen to me but he'll listen to you. i told you this yesterday. i meant it all. i don't want my father to be alone and sad. he doesn't talk to me, really. just my brother who resents and fears him for hurting us as kids. i tried to protect him, i really did, i was just too small for too long. nevermind about that, point is he needs company. anything you can manage... that's all i want from you: help my father. do it with ___. he likes you two.

here's your song, ___. thanks for improving/ruining it for me fuck:

Ocean Breathes Salty lyrics

Your body may be gone, I'm gonna carry you in.
In my head, in my heart, in my soul.
And maybe we'll get lucky and we'll both live again.
Well I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Don't think so.

Well that is that and this is this.
You tell me what you want and I'll tell you what you get.
You get away from me. You get away from me.
Collected my belongings and I left the jail.
Well thanks for the time, I needed to think a spell.
I had to think awhile. I had to think awhile.

The ocean breathes salty, won't you carry it in?
In your head, in your mouth, in your soul.
And maybe we'll get lucky and we'll both grow old.
Well I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I hope so.

(Well that is that and this is this.
You tell me what you want and I'll tell you what you get.
You get away from me. You get away from me.
Collected my belongings and I left the jail.
Well thanks for the time, I needed to think a spell.
I had to think awhile. I had to think awhile.)

Well that is that and this is this.
(Will you tell me what you saw and I'll tell you what you missed,
when the ocean met the sky.
You missed when time and life shook hands and said goodbye.
When the earth folded in on itself.
And said "Good luck, for your sake I hope heaven and hell
are really there, but I wouldn't hold my breath."
You wasted life, why wouldn't you waste death?
You wasted life, why wouldn't you waste death?)

The ocean breathes salty, won't you carry it in?
In your head, in your mouth, in your soul.
(The more we move ahead the more we're stuck in rewind.
Well I don't mind. I don't mind. How the hell could I mind?)

Well that is that and this is this.
You tell me what you want and I'll tell you what you get.
You get away from me. You get away from me.

[Well that is that and this is this.
Will you tell me what you saw and I'll tell you what you missed,
when the ocean met the sky.
You wasted life, why wouldn't you waste the afterlife?]

however this shit show pans out in the future, i mean for both of us, as individuals:
let the record show that at... 7:42pm on june 5th, 2009 i reached out and offered you help & and shortly thereafter for some bs reason you smacked my hand away. [not that i sent it... i just didn't edit the email much. just protected some superhero identities is all.] (it's all bs to me, at the very least, it's all semantics. keep your rationalizations to yourself.) that said, i don't give a fuck cause i believe people are everything. WANT&NEED ARE REALITIES AS MUCH ROOTED IN QUANTUM PHYSICS/SPIRITUALITY AS OUR WISHING IT WEREN'T SO. love comes within, ____. you're nothing until you can give it freely, without wanting anything back. it's love&light. that's life to me. and i don't want much from you, just help my asshole father. i'm just tired of scaring everyone with my philosophy... i just can't help but feel... sorry. that you're in pain & i can help you and i'm sad you won't let me. it hurts me. it's funny, even as you told me about your mother and crying yourself to sleep, i knew you didn't not want help from me. yet here i am typing away. life's funny:) which reminds me, word for the wise: never fall for a buddhist. it's counter-intuitive. it's the craziest thing you can do. when does backwards become forwards? or will i be forever backwards?

oh, and by the way, i didn't want to say anything yesterday cause it was your birthday, but in answer to your question (why am i mean to jessica?) you are mean to me because i'm sincere and honest and caring and easily bruised. it's power, destroying something beautiful. congratulations, ____, on trying to beat me down with calculated indifference & not evening realizing it... to no avail, no less. i am impervious. love&pain flow OUT of me, not INTO me. fuck it. we'll all float on okay:) okay?cannot, get started - handsome furs

When in the prop of the morning,
with the traffic and the canon lights
on and on 'till the evening
with its thick and orange light
and now we nervous walk here
the whole city tried to eat itself
you kill some track to zero
working hard just to get yourself

sometimes I can't get it started
back from nothing
sometimes I can't get it started

it is a mass production
all the blank little minutes align
on and on 'till the evening
where it's black and orange light
and now we nervous walk here
swinging arms like satellites
and now we're nervous walking
until the body won't sleep through the night

sometimes I can't get it started
back from nothing
sometimes I can't get it started
sometimes I can't get it started
back from nothing
sometimes I can't get it started

where we lies is a little burned
spinning around
don't they know that the hours move slow?

and I can't get it started
and I can't get it started
and I can't get it started
and I can't get it started

where we lies is a little burned
spinning around
don't they know that the hours move slow?
slow?

i wish you did care enough to read this pain. there's beauty in the breakdown. especially MY breakdowns:) they ROC-K you to the core.

Evan - JAWSOME says:
 Who I don't really know much about, but it sounded nice.
i'm all out of smiles (little pink pills out of my system and what happens... says:
 sounded like jess in love again
 which is never good lol
Evan - JAWSOME says:
 It's amazing how quickly it happens. (not to tease)
i'm all out of smiles (little pink pills out of my system and what happens... says:
 tease away.

cause life's a joke and i'm the punchline.
you'd probably like him more than i do at present.

i'm listening to 'stupid shit' and curtis just goes, 'jessie, i don't even know what to say.' oh man. COOLEST baby brother EVER:)
'you want me to get you something, kiddo?'
'no thanks.'
'that's very buddhist of you, curtis. i can't say i'm impressed.'
'buddhism is too old-'
'yeah and i'm too young to die:) it's about death, i know. what do i look like over here a philosophy newb?'

'can i see your sweet, sweet smile?' no. i don't know what the fuck you're talking about. i'm not smiling. you mean you want me to make you FEEL good? go for a lapdance. i'm busy. i got shit on my mind.

LIKE ESCAPING THIS FUCKING HELL HOLE OF EMOTIONAL ABUSE THAT MY FATHER HAS TRAPPED ME IN. i'm already looking for apartments. i can't wait to get out of here. he's such an abusive mother fucker. i'm too old for this. i feel as though i've been alive for a very, VERY long time. i said that already. THE PROVERBIAL WASTE OF TIME REPEATS HERSELF! i must be getting old.

stop, dave. stop, dave. i can feel my mind going, dave. davey, davey, give me your answer do...
curtis' RN girlfriend told him that i'm retarded for cutting myself off cold turkey. she says i must be feeling crazy and experiencing some mad vertigo. she's right. no balance here. i walked right into darren the other day. repeatedly. if salvation has a name it is, 'independence.' my mother would tell you that too. i'm going to bake myself in the sun today. and then i'm going to swim in that freezing cold pool and be born anew. (burn the witch, QOTSA).
going to term to play pool and drop a cv with curtis later. sweet, sweet salvation. that would be a SICK job. super close to where i want to be. and i wouldn't have to run into any irish boys that aren't too fond of me these days. god almighty. i almost took a bus to doreen's yesterday. i was in westboro anyway. and then i realized: bitch, she doesn't want to see you anyway. you aren't her daughter. she was just having fun with you. and now you aren't fun anymore. she has shit to do. leave the poor woman alone. so i did. and i will continue to do so. cut your losses, pretty baby.oh dear. what a sad little sabby i am today. what's to cry about though, really. i've got the sun and qotsa. what more could i want? not much. a good lay would be welcome but i'm not going to hold my breath on that one. man-haters have a hard time getting their kicks with men oddly enough... lol

words. word. word, words. word up, words. they help nothing. they don't make my heart hurt less unless someone hears them and it means something to them as well. i just want something good to die for, yeah, to make it beautiful to live. i can't live for myself. or my values. it's someting in the way... the way... the lyrics of 'make it wit chu'. which is why that song fascinates me. it's about dichotomy to me.we're talking about curtis' lover making sacrifices for him. not going away to school to be with him:
'fuck that, tell her she's too young to make sacrifices for love.'
'that's what i told her.'
good. he's a good kid and i'm sure he's a good lover. (bring the noise, anthrax/public enemy.) treat it like soap on a rope cause our beats and our lines are so dope. aww YEAH.
'i need to eat.'
'i'll make us some breakfast.'
'no, it's okay, i can make it myself.'
'fuck. off. JUST LET ME LOVE YOU.'
'... okay.'curtis wants to hear humpty dance. what a fucking freak. you know this song? of course i know this song, i knew this song before you were fucking born. 'i look funny/but i'm making money/i'm spunky/ i like my oatmeal lumpy/fat girl/c'mere are you ticklish?' do the humpty-hump.

'you should be a lobbyist for something.'
'i am.'
'what for?'
'women's rights.'
'oh yeah. have you accomplished much?'
'not really.'

gotta make my brohiem some breaky. back in a flash. cause i'm humpty-flash-gordon:) (KRS 1 - peace, love, unity and having fun. these are the lyrics of KRS 1.)

what a day. reconciled with my mum, cleaned my father's house, fed my little bunny (lots of greens, he passed out on his side, ears akimbo, so cute), invited the little neighbour children over for a swim, applied for a zillion jobs, and vanquished the Demon Love. i'm too... evolved.


the things i do for the people i love... god almighty. i am a saint. i'd better go to heaven for this. two emails and two hours later and i think i have restored peace to erathia. batch of brownies to whoever gets the reference first.

just make love to me, already. le'ts make something beautiful**
not because i love you. but because my back arches beautifull. it arcs beautifully...

***

the hell with it. aw yeah. i wake every morning and write for at least an hour. these 'fingers reach towards and unresponsive god.' and i wait and agonize. i don't even know what i'm waiting for: godot, i suppose?

listening to 'when i grow up' by the pussycat dolls. fuck. what am i? i used to hate this shit. but i can't help but want to dance all the god damn time these days. it explains my britney spears obsession that i've had as of late. despite... (to spite?) them, i have found wisdom in their vapid, corporate music: be careful what you wish for cause you just might get it. vague and ubiquitous. parfait. formidable(fr). and formidable(en).

'we cannot do great things on this earth, we can only do small things with great love.' and it was in this spirit that i tried to rescue a deserving boy for a day. on his birthday. i beat down the demon Depression that held him hostage in his condo in westboro to have him drive us to eric's in wakefield. we met the puppies, hubert and bulby. we introduced him to alexander, anne marie, rejean and rick. he loved the artwork on the walls. he loved the feeling. he loved the field. we walked through eric's mother's field (lotus' home, she was only visiting the sunflower. artistic license?) and i picked wildflowers for a wildflower. i picked him lupins as well. which are more of weeds than anything. but i don't think he knew what lupins were. not much foliage in westboro, a few hundred feet in the air...
'how do you live here?'
'unhappily.'
pauvre bebe. je m'inquiete de vous.
'that's all we have.'
'oh. you sure you want to smoke it now?'
'fuckin... is there a better time tthan now?'
and in the washroom. he touched me on the shoulder to thank me for his birthday present (of light & love). and i melted. in a dave j kinda way:) and it felt like 'vanilla sky' by the chemical brothers. i think i winced. i didn't mean to. i wasn't afraid. just. surprised?
'don't touch me. just don't fucking touch me.'i've said that sentence so many times with so many DIFFERENT emotions behind it. surprise, fear, hate, love. listening to 'dare' by the gorillaz. << that's what you do... hold it down. well it did not harm, its dare. pull me up... it's dare. >> shit. SHIT. not again. not so fast. please. it's like having bandaids ripped off. but in between you have a heart-orgasm. PFF... i am a poet. some kinda poet...
i saved a worm on our way back from the corner store. my heart and fingers command & i just obey. i'm fighting it. all the time i'm fighting my heart and my fingers - but - it just slows the inevitable. my feet still move on their own. they disobey me. and go where my heart wants to be. where it feels most at home.
(clint eastwood, gorillaz.)we are in the car and i say, "you don't differentiate between people at all, do you?"
"no. i don't."
in a weird way. like you're asleep. like we all just play the same role in the end. are the same thing. the same person. like i'll just understand you. and i do. only i don't want to be like you. you're sad. i've been too sad for too long. which is why the meds will stay in the end. unless i can get what you're after, unless i find a doctor i don't have to break up with:)
'you're wrong. life is beautiful. watch. (yells, 'you're beautiful!' out of the window, to some woman by her car. she doesn't hear.) see?'
'she runs up to the car and beats the shit out of you... HA.'
yeah. that could happen. but it probably wouldn't. that would be a non-sequitor. 22 year olds and believe have exclusive rights to non-sequitors. i now hate that word. more than any other. for it's association with a lunatic. a sadist. a man.
i try not to hate them, i do. it's just that 'respecting women' should not be a courtesy. something you choose to do to be nice. but you can choose otherwise if you feel like it. [by the way, sunflower, if you just hadn't had me meet that one person this never would have happened. that was the straw that broke the camel's back. when you brought me into your life like that. it was too much. it meant something to me. means something where i come from to mee that person. but we are as pool cue dust, no?]
eric: bumblebee.
at 11:48 am a bumblebee flew across my father's deck, the deck my father built with the males of the clan. and eric said, 'bumblebee' to announce it's arrival. this. is a special bumblebee. this moment is the only moment like it, ever. and simultaneous happens everywhere at the same time, all the time.
burning ember, burning hot and burning slow. 'i think you mean 'born of fire' not 'burn in flame', you french fuck.'

you must be my lucky star, cause you make everything alright** to me, you are purple. shine your heavenly body tonight, cause i know you're gonna make everything alright, you may be my lucky star, but i'm the luckiest by far.
one of eric's favourites:)'oh yeah.'
either that or your ex-girlfriend's french is as bad as yours. wow. what is this, war and peace? longest post EVER. not by a long shot;) guess i'm making up for lost time. haven't posted in about 2 days, i think. that's a lot of facebook. which isn't good.
listening to 'i love you' by sarah mclachlan. and it feels LOVELY.
and, no, bday boy. it's not that i'm addicted to that feeling. though that touch was like... a reality-shock. an electric reality shock. (my tits hurt. they feel swollen. ugh.) in fact, i don't see why you couldn't have touched my knee as you drove. your hand was already right there on the gearshift... you GOTTA LOVE STANDARDS because INTIMACY BREEDS LOVE.

life in a glass house, radiohead. jazzy bluesy goodness. soothes my soul. i am a...

blues girl. forever a blue girl. once again, i'm in trouble with my own friends... she is paper in a windowpane, she is pudding on a smile, living in a glass house... once again... think of all the starving millions, don't talk politicis, and don't throw stones, your royal highness says, well of course i'd like to sit around and chat, well of course i'd like to stay and chew the facts, well of course i'd like to sit around and chat... but someone's listening in...

high note on the trumpet...

'when you listen to songs you cast a protagonist, someone out of your life - or you think of the lyrics of the song and understand them in relation to someone else.' - eric of me.
yes. that's true. i'm a romantic. a romantic who likes to synthesize.
'i always try to guess who you're thinking of when you do it.'
:) me too. now i'm listening to << when i dream by the teardrop explodes >> guess who i'm thinking of now? a boy. of course. always a boy. who shoots me down in a nancy sinatra kind of way. i think i'm a masochist: i am now so accustomed to rejection that it feels like a warm bath. HA. i love writing. my mind amuses me. eric just said, 'hello', to his public hairs. and when i shout about you/i go... DABBA DABBA DABBA WHO-O-O-OH. how 'bout that for synthesizers? clever girl. here you come again, playing with my feelings, there you go again, playing with my heart, and when i dream, i dream about you, and when i scream, i scream about you... that too disjointed for you? i think of people as flowers: growing or hiding or blooming.

now i have you saying 'side note'. you're mine, brohiem. this one is for both tortured and peaceful souls... i am not quite either. but i'm getting there, to goodness... honest to goodness.

I have a smile
Stretched from ear to ear
To see you walking down the road

We meet at the lights
I stare for a while
The world around disappears

Just you and me
On this island of hope
A breath between us could be miles

Let me surround you
My sea to your shore
Let me be the calm you seek

Oh and every time Im close to you
Theres too much I cant say
And you just walk away

And I forgot
To tell you
I love you
And the nights
Too long
And cold here
Without you
I grieve in my condition
For I cannot find the strength to say I need you so

Oh and every time Im close to you
Theres too much I cant say
And you just walk away

And I forgot
To tell you
I love you

And the nights
Too long
And cold here
Without you

The Third Letter    Good morning, on July 7
Though still in bed, my thoughts go out to you, my Immortal Beloved, now and then joyfully, then sadly, waiting to learn whether or not fate will hear us - I can live only wholly with you or not at all - Yes, I am resolved to wander so long away from you until I can fly to your arms and say that I am really at home with you, and can send my soul enwrapped in you into the land of spirits - Yes, unhappily it must be so - You will be the more contained since you know my fidelity to you. No one else can ever possess my heart - never - never - Oh God, why must one be parted from one whom one so loves. And yet my life in V is now a wretched life - Your love makes me at once the happiest and the unhappiest of men - At my age I need a steady, quiet life - can that be so in our connection? My angel, I have just been told that the mailcoach goes every day - therefore I must close at once so that you may receive the letter at once - Be calm, only by a calm consideration of our existence can we achieve our purpose to live together - Be calm - love me - today - yesterday - what tearful longings for you - you - you - my life - my all - farewell. Oh continue to love me - never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved.
ever thine
ever mine
ever ours